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The Tyranny of the Goals vs Trust

The last few weeks, although not particularly unwell, I feel like I’ve been chasing my tail. I just haven’t quite had enough energy to live at the level of productivity that I was living before I left Spain, but a part of me has still been wanting myself to.

I’m fortunate now that I have just enough work to support myself and no longer have to listen to the voice that is driven by fear of not earning enough. But even so, I still have a voice inside my head that wants me to push to take the next steps toward making my business more successful. I want to be helping more people, I want to be earning enough to employ a virtual assistant with chronic illness so that I can focus on the parts of my business that bring me most joy, whilst empowering someone else at the same time. Although I’m aware that none of these goals are urgent, there is still a part of me that is impatient to move forward. Equally there is a part of me that is impatient to get my recent levels of functioning back. Ironically, it is partly my confidence that I can achieve these goals that is leading to the impatience and pressure that will only serve to get in their way.

Fortunately, I have a very useful weapon: trust. Every time I hear myself pushing to get something done, I can answer myself with a reassurance that it’s OK to just listen to my body and do what it needs. It really doesn’t matter if I need to rest right now, I can trust that by doing what is best for me in the moment, all will turn out for the best.

Trust isn’t an automatic thing that invades my being. It is something that I have to invoke through choice whenever I feel I need to. Maybe with practise, it will one day be so natural that it silences the dissenting voices before they even start, but for now I keep working on choosing it.

So, I’ve taken lots of rests, I’ve ready my trashy novels when another part of me has been screaming that I should be working. I haven’t written my summer newsletter despite it being over a month later that I usually write it. I haven’t kept to the weekly schedule I like to keep to for my blog. I’ve let things go that I haven’t want to let go, but knowing I was doing what my body needed of me.

A part of me always worries that my lack of motivation will drag on, it’s been over a week now since I last went for a walk, I’ve not been exposing myself to nature which I know will lift my spirits more if I do. But it hasn’t felt the right thing to do so I’ve chosen to trust that it’s alright. I know that I go through these dips in motivation regularly and I know that I always come out of them. I know that I can rely on trust.

And here I am writing another blog post today, and finally feeling ready to go out for a walk. Although the tyrannical voices have been forceful at time, trust has brought me through again. Although I still don’t feel my full passion for life, I can see things moving forward and can recognise that all I ever needed to do was trust!

A small favour: I’d be very grateful if you could rate this post using the stars below the related posts.  Thank you!

 
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